We need to talk about Luke Bryan

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I am a huge fan of reality television. I love the Real Housewives but I am not wealthy or a wife or a homeowner. I love cooking shows but I’m not a good cook. I love singing competitions but I am not a singer. The only reality shows I don’t watch involve rose ceremonies, ballroom dancing and fashioning a prom dress out of duct tape.

My favorites are the singing ones. Therefore, I have managed to get my fiancé to join me in watching “The Voice” and “American Idol.”

I’ve watched both shows since their infancy and I have very strong opinions about the judges. Why can’t we the people judge the judges? “The Voice” has a solid lock on the Blake Shelton-Adam Levine “bromance.” Kelly Clarkson is crazy talented, funny and, oh yeah, she actually won the first-ever major televised singing competition. She’s perfect. Alicia Keys comes across as really sweet and supportive. “The Voice” is the more entertaining show to watch, but somehow “Idol” keeps producing the bigger stars.

So onto “Idol.” I loved the Harry Connick Jr.-Keith Urban-Jennifer Lopez combo. JLo brought the sass and stage presence/dance thing; Connick knows what things like “arpeggio” mean and Keith knows every song in the history of music because he sings along every time a contestant takes the stage.

So cut to the “reboot” of Idol 2018. It’s not really a reboot because it’s only been off the air for all of five minutes, but OK. It’s on a different network and the judges are Lionel Richie, Katy Perry and Luke Bryan.

We need to talk about Luke Bryan.

He’s a raging idiot. I hear these judges talk about their head voice and chest voice, but I’m convinced that Bryan uses his nose voice. He’s awful.

Let me just give you a little sample of his lyrics:

“Get up on the hood of my daddy's tractor

Up on the tool box, it don't matter

Down on the tailgate

Girl I can't wait

To watch you do your thing

Shake it for the young bucks sittin' in the honky-tonks

For the rednecks rockin' 'til the break of dawn

The DJ spinnin' that country song

C'mon, c'mon, c'mon

Shake it for the birds, shake it for the bees

Shake it for the catfish swimmin' down deep in the creek

For the crickets and the critters and the squirrels.”

Um, no.

My 5-year-old nephew could have written that song with crayons – sans the sexual undertones – in about three minutes. How is that a hit?

I’m not going all feminist on you here. If Luke Bryan wants to romance a girl in cutoff jorts on a tailgate, more power to him. But these lyrics are stupid, and they don’t make sense. And the more we watch “Idol,” the more my fiancé Googles Luke Bryan lyrics and, well, let’s just say I’ve brought home more than one catfish dinner in the past couple weeks. Thank you to Kathy’s Korner and Hinze’s Barbecue for providing delicious takeout.

But back to Luke Bryan. I’m sure he’s a good person. But I don’t understand why he has a mixtape involving Conway Twitty and T-Pain, how he thinks he can make it rain when he’s at the lake, not the club (where I come from, that is not what that expression means) and how he’s going to prepare this little catfish dinner that he catches down by the holler. Is he going to cook the catfish? How? He’s down by the holler and presumably does not have cooking equipment. I have a lot of questions, and I feel as though this Luke Bryan character needs to provide some answers because – and it pains me to quote these awful lyrics – that’s my kind of night.

April Towery is the managing editor of The Sealy News. She can be reached at 979-885-3562 or via email at editor@sealynews.com.

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