Theo Von


A therapist once asked my boyfriend and me what kinds of activities we enjoy together.

Uh …

This is pretty embarrassing but we didn’t have a good answer.

He loves sports – all of the sports – and I’d be OK if everything but baseball was eradicated, at least from my television set. His favorite sport – and my least favorite – is golf. It’s so freakin’ boring. He practices putting in his sleep.

Anyway, it took a year or two but we finally found the one thing we could agree on. We both love watching stand-up comedy. We’ll watch the same show several times and incorporate the catch phrases into our text messages and dialogue. It’s like finding gold when Netflix sends me a notification that they’ve released a new special.

A friend of Blayne’s told him several months ago about some comedian named Theo Von. I’d never heard of him but was willing to give it a try.

It was hilarious.

I’m a little hesitant to recommend it because comedy is such a tricky thing. I feel a little guilty laughing at a joke that could be construed as a little racist, misogynist, homophobic or critical of people with disabilities. That kind of material is not cool and not OK to put out into the world as it gets repeated and molds influential young minds.

However, the milquetoast comics who just talk about their kid throwing up don’t quite do it for me either. There’s got to be a middle ground. I’m not interested in hearing racial slurs or Harvey Weinstein/Bill Cosby jokes, and I’m not interested in hearing about how you strap your kid into a car seat.

The best comics come up with original material about their own life experiences, their childhood and weird stuff that happened to them. Theo Von tells a great story about meeting Brad Pitt – “the only Brad Pitt that God ever made.”

“It’s a beautiful day out, because Brad only lives on beautiful days,” Von says. “I’m walking, he’s walking. I say walking but I don’t even know if Brad Pitt walks anymore or if there’s an agreement between gravity, Mother Nature and the grace of God where they just amicably move Brad wherever he needs to go. Like God has a chess board and there’s one piece and it’s Brad freakin’ Pitt.”

Now most of us can’t relate to this but you gotta admit it’s pretty funny. He also has a bit about how a woman getting out of her Spanx – which are controlled undergarments that suck in one’s body fat, for those who haven’t had the pleasure of wearing them – is akin to popping open a can of Pillsbury biscuits. Accurate.

Theo Von put on a great show at the Houston Improv and stuck around to take selfies with the fans, which was awesome. It was a great night, and way better than watching golf.


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